Leap of Faith

No snow in December ;)

2009-12-01T19:04:52Z

November 30, 2009 Parts 1 and 2.

2009-11-30T21:44:52Z

The second video was cut off. And here's what I would have said were it not cut off.

"...real life problems and real life things that really need to be done. I mean, there's two different kinds of players, there's the people who can't accept reality, and the people who just find the game fun. I'd have to say I'm both those kinds. Well, I suppose that's it for now, but I'll post a video blog again soon."

Shut out.

2009-11-28T20:25:42Z

I know my journal has consisted of me complaining like crazy over the last few years. >.<

I know I complain too much, this is very true. The past two years I've tried to change that, because, well, just like there are some bad things I like to rant and rave about, there are some good things I love to talk about as well.

Life's...been not so swell.

I'm really starting to think I have some depression problems, and I might need some help.
As much as blogging and talking to some friends about this stuff, I'm not getting any better I don't think. Sure, I've been trying to be happy about things. But on the inside, when my thoughts catch up to me, I'm this nervous, scared wreck.

I definitely do not have the money to start seeing someone about these things. In Michigan I'd know where to go, sure, but here in Virginia, I don't even know where to go to the doctor. o.O

Anyway.

I'm really hoping things will look up, because I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to feel as lonely as I do. I feel completely shut out.

Shoot the Moon.

2009-11-26T15:04:30Z

The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?

Now the fall is here again
You can't begin to give in
It's all over

When the snows come rolling through
You're rolling too with some new lover
Will you think of times you've told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season.

Conversation please.

2009-11-25T13:41:15Z

I've been doing my best to post things. Yep.

My best isn't very good, lol.

So, I find that after moving to a new state, and even keeping in touch with my friends, I crave new social habits. I've made a few friends, my co-workers are funny, and they're really cool.
I have a few friends here, definitely.

But what I crave is actual conversation, someone who is interested in what I have to say, not what I look like.

I know I'm pretty, but goddamn. I mean, it's one thing when someone wants to talk to you because they like your personality, but it's another when all they can seem to think about is sex. I talk mostly of boys, but I actually wonder if any female friends have been like that...XD Anyhow.

My question is this.

Why are boys/men so obsessed with getting some? This is a primal instinct, yes, I'm not daft. But COME ON. Do I need to have a distorted face for people (mainly guys out there) to want to be friends with me for my mind, and not my chest? Blah. Even some girls are like this.

In other news, I miss talking to people. And I'd very much love some conversation. I'm home all the time, and I rarely go out unless I work. I need some social interaction. T.T
I'm putting my messengers in here, so that anyone can strike up a conversation with me. Because I'd love to talk. About anything. I really love talking about silly things, strange things...really, anything, and as long as it's not, "hey asl ur hott" or "plz send pics" or even the "wanna cybur", I'm okay with talking. Fricking horny bastards.

MSN: Ynotbmyself88@hotmail.com (also my email)
YAHOO: Ynotbmyself8@yahoo.com (also my email)
GMAIL: AmeHisakata
AIM: Twilightshadows8

I've done it!

2009-11-23T15:08:31Z

It's been a good long while since I have written anything relating to my main story.
I'm having a very hard time getting back into that world I once loved and adored.
Depression, anxiety, stress...all these are the cause. I really want to be in my own world again, but bad memories are mixed in. It's hard to find jumping into my own little world appealing anymore.

Just this morning, about an hour ago, I was back in it. I couldn't believe it at all. I mean, after several months of being completely just shut off from my writing wants and needs, I'm just suddenly able to slip back into daydream mode. Unfortunately, it wasn't long lived, but I still got there.

Fellow writers know how hard it is to find the will to write and daydream when they're sad, depressed, stressed, and so forth. Especially this time of year too.

I find deep winter is when I get some ideas, and spring, but during the summer and fall I just can't seem to come up with much at all.

Anyway. This is just a post about how excited I am to have even gone back to my world, my original one. (I've been accidentally mixing stories and characters, so going back to the original was wonderful!)

Oops!

2009-11-22T09:22:50Z

So, I accidently went through and deleted everyone on my friends list on here o.O

Which is why you all will probably get a notification saying, "Amefallen is now your friend."

Lol, oops! XD

Happy birthday Matt.

2009-09-27T22:35:29Z

Instead of a cake, I made him 23 birthday cupcakes - he's 23 this year. Don't mind my horrid voice on these video clips, I sound so annoying!

September 8, 2009

2009-09-09T05:19:20Z

I apologize for the shakiness of the camera >.< I was very shaky earlier.

Sunday, September 7th, 2009

2009-09-08T02:16:24Z

Sorry for the poor sound quality. It was very windy yesterday, lol. And I'm quiet >.>

Saturday, September 5th, 2009

2009-09-08T02:11:54Z

Video Blogging?

2009-08-31T19:37:45Z

Hmm.

2009-08-27T05:52:58Z

So, today was another one of those lazy, kinda blah days. I can tell Matt is still bothered by recent events. Obviously. Things like this will take time.

I've deemed Friday night Movie Night. We sit and play games all the time, but we haven't done a "pay attention to each other" deal in a while. It's about time we do that. I was thinking we'd brush up on our Buffy, since Matt's still on Season 3. Or we'll watch something else. It hasn't been decided yet.

I recently got Mario Party 5 for the Gamecube, and I really want to get number 6. It's my favorite. :)

Besides that, and our friend, not much has been happening.

Death and All His Friends.

2009-08-26T06:11:34Z

One of Matt's friends, who was in the Navy, grabbed a holstered pistol last night and immediately shot himself in the head.

I know how to cope now, thanks to tragic events nearly two years ago. But I don't know how to comfort.

Matt's hurting. I want to help him.

Updates. It happens.

2009-08-23T06:49:58Z

Besides the hospital episode about a month ago, I think I'm adjusting to this city fairly well. Moving is no easy task, it requiring to leave the people and the environment you've grown so accustomed to behind. But I figure that things will only look up. And I'm much happier than I was weeks ago.

Not sick anymore either. Though I should drink more water.

I've also been playing World of Warcraft quite a bit lately. Every single day, to be exact. For hours. I'd like to get back out in the world and start taking photos again. I should probably start looking at colleges and jobs, because, I'm sure at some point I'll run out of things to do here. Minus the daily stuff I do already. I'll always have to do that stuff, lol.

I could always hit the pool everyday. Work up that tan I so desperately don't want. Nah.

I ordered Matt's gifts for his birthday yesterday. I'm overly excited for him to have them, since I know he'll love them like no other.

I also ordered myself the second and third book in the Sookie Stackhouse series. I wanted to read them so long ago, and when I went to the library - no suprise! - they were checked out. So I'll be getting those shortly, along with his gifts.

My friend Sam, who I've known since I was seven, came to visit for the weekend. I sat on my computer most of the time, which I do feel bad about, but I think she had fun. I hope she did. She says she did, but...I'm boring, I know it.

Hmm. Let's see...today (today being August 22, 2009) Matt and I hit the 8 months of marriage mark. We have our moments, but things are going pretty well. I just hope we can be together on our one year of being married, or I might go pyscho and kill someone. We've had so many bad things, so many obstacles, that I wonder sometimes how easily we made it through. We waited one year to finally be together, and yet, it doesn't seem like we even waited that long. There were moments that seemed like forever. But days generally went by, short and fast.

I suppose that's it for now...I'm sure I'll think of things tomorrow.

My heart is drenched in wine. You'll be on my mind forever.

2009-08-11T03:55:38Z

Just like during senior year of high school, I realize this is the best way to keep in touch with everyone. Even though no one posts anymore, I still do, and I know someday someone will be like, "Oh yeah, I have a LJ" and check it.

I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I take so many photos, and I'd love to get into a profession that includes cameras. I could either become a photographer, or I could become a model. Becoming both would be ridiculously hard, as I've seen some of my photographer friends struggle immensely, and I can only imagine the work it would take to become a successful model. But the hardest part, I think, is being noticed. People are alike to modeling agencies most of the time, unless you have stunning features. I think I'm pretty enough, but I'm super shy. I can take my own photos, no big deal. Someone else snapping a shot or two of me? Shyness initiated. But, I've already taken my first step, and gotten some of my photos out there. I take photos like crazy, so, there'll be more and more to show.

Either way, I'm going to start up college next year. I missed deadlines for this year, due to moving and not actually living here, so next fall it is. I don't mind, really. It'll give me time to gather the things I need, get acquainted with the area, and decide where I want to go. There aren't a lot of options here. I might have to drive three hours to go to school; Washington DC, and Richmond, and perhaps Williamsburg. I thought there'd be a lot of colleges in this area, but, this area is for not college people. XD This area is for surfers and super rich people. I mean, super rich. On nearly every car is a vanity plate, and they're all mustangs and another type of car that's super expensive. Lmao.

This weekend, Matt and I have a few options of what we want to do. We can go to the beach, go to the zoo (they have giraffes!) or the mall and see a movie. It really depends on the weather. I'd love to go to the beach and swim with Matt, but, he sounds like he wants the zoo more. As long as he takes me to the beach one more time before the summer is done, I'm okay with it.

As for other stuff, I've been doing good. I'm not sick anymore, which is GREAT. Because I'm so tired of being sick, lol.

Otherwise, things are going good.

Are You Impatient?

2009-08-07T04:35:14Z

You Are Patient Enough

In most cases, you are patient enough to keep it together.
You may feel impatient on the inside, but you don't usually let it show.

However, if you're made to wait for too long, you will usually crack.
You're only human, after all. You don't like for your patience to be tested.

Are You Impatient?

How Do You Paint the World?

2009-08-07T04:32:36Z

You Paint the World with Wild Colors

You are a true free spirit. You are very whimsical.
Your friends can always count on you to be spontaneous and totally unpredictable.

You are a truly zany person ... though sometimes you get sick of your wild ways.
You don't feel like you're being outrageous. You just feel like you're doing your own thing!

How Do You Paint the World?

What Does Your Walk Say About You?

2009-08-07T04:28:00Z

Your Walk Says You're Bold

You are intelligent, thoughtful, and even philosophical. You like to go unnoticed for the most part.

Other people see you as confident. You are proud of who you are, and that shows immediately.

You are assertive, energetic, and curious about the world. You never hold back, and you're often the first to try something.

You are a kid at heart. You love to have fun and believe that life is for living.

What Does Your Walk Say About You?

Update.

2009-07-24T22:55:38Z

Well, I guess I'm all set here in Virginia.

Everything's nice enough. Spread out, and stuff, but, nice enough.

Haven't actually gotten the chance to go to very many places, because, I've been sick. Ridiculously sick. Hospital sick.

I'm much better now though. I'm supposed to go into the doctor's one more time to get checked out when my meds are done. Yay for that.

One of my old classmates, Ali Mosher, is coming to VA Beach and wants to go to the beach Monday or Tuesday. I'm seriously hoping I'm feeling up to par by then, because I'd dearly love to go. And, I must add, that this world is a very small world.

I got my driver's license in the mail today. It was forwarded from my old address. The picture actually looks decent.

My 21st birthday came and went, and it was very uneventful. No alcohol, no party, no cake. Just an I.V. and a shit ton of meds. :(
Matt says we're going to do something for it, but, I don't even want to now. It's been nearly ten days since my birthday. I don't really feel any sort of point in celebrating it at all. I can't think of anything fun I'd want to do anyway.

Matt and I are supposed to find the mall tomorrow, and the beach. The mall we're heading to is one of the biggest malls in the Eastern U.S. apparently...sounds fun. And I want to see what the beach is like; the pictures make it look huge. I plan on taking a lot of photos too. I can't believe tomorrow is Saturday. I hope my health is up to it.

One last kiss, before I go.

2009-07-09T17:32:52Z

In an reply to Kallen's journal....

I am a 21st century girl. I wear dresses and jeans and I love technology, yet, wish cars were never invented. :D

My house will have walls of blood red and black and blues. My house will be furnished in the best gaming technology, PS2s, X-Boxes, cords and wires. My house will have a gaming room. My house will have glass bottles and rum, and sand. My house will have candles and lamps, and beautifully crafted knick knacks. My house will have stars on the ceiling, and will have a completely different style to each room. My house, will fit my every beck and desire. My house will have an ocean room, a gaming room, a Wicca room. My house, will be the best house of them all. Because it's my house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt and I are leaving tomorrow. We were going to head out today, but, something went wrong with the truck (not our fault) and they have to fix it. But they can't until tomorrow. Yep. They suck.

But otherwise, we're here for one more night. :)

Night falls, I fall, and where were you? Where were you?

2009-06-27T10:35:54Z

So I sorted my clothes out, listening to the ever so dazzling voice of Angie Hart, as she sang her debut song, "Blue", and tears formed. Like so many people before me, they all listened to this song. And they all had their own reactions to it. They all had their own problems, their own solutions. Their own life changing experiences.

I'm about to take my place in that line.

Matt comes home next week. Packing my things just an hour ago, I got so depressed. For as much complaining that everyone does about certain parts of Michigan, they don't realize what they have until they leave. I'm about to leave my old life behind. Start completely new. I am happy for that, I am. It also makes me sad, unfortunately.

For...well...obvious reasons. I've never lived out of state before. The most I've ever been out of state was two weeks. But, moving is easy to me. I've done it five times. I can do it again. Easy. A pain, but easy.

I feel like I'm going to leave a big part of me behind, and that it's never going to come back to me again. I don't think I'll be the same. Maybe not at first. But, it'll take time.

I am happy that I get to be with Matt again, but, on what terms? The military's terms? What good is the word of the military, when they won't even make up their minds for more than five seconds?

I have confidence, and I am strong on the inside, but lately...it's just shot. I don't feel strong. I don't feel confident. I feel terrible. I wish I could take all of me to Virginia, but I feel like I'm leaving me behind and becoming someone else.

So, how do I just pick up the pieces after I move? I coped before because I was still in school. Making friends, and not worrying too terribly over little things came easy.

I don't want the obvious answers. I know. This is "becoming a responsible adult" and that I really don't know what it's like to be responsible. But I do know what it's like. I used to take care of things too. I stopped six months ago, when I was forced to move because I couldn't keep up rent.

I simply just feel like the fun is going to stop because I'm moving. Like, because I'm an adult, being retarded at three in the morning is unacceptable. No more lullabies, or crazy times. I feel like I'm not going to have fun anymore, because the military demands perfection, and that perfection means maturity. I know I'll have fun with Matt, but how much fun are we allowed to have? Sure, I'm mature when I need to be, and even when I don't need to be. But sometimes I do like being immature, just for the sake of not forgetting what it's like to actually be carefree, and a kid again.

I am nearly 21. In just 17 short days, I will be 21, and I will have gone over that gap, and will be able to access both alcohol and tobacco. I'm still young. I don't want to grow up too fast. If I do, my life will just pass me by quickly.

So...

2009-06-24T08:56:09Z

I just pierced my right ear. I already had two professional piercings done. Not quite sure why I even pierced this one, since, I'm afraid of needles.

I think I just had a momentary I don't care moment.

I kinda like it.

I want to go in and get three more piercings now.

Oh.

And I passed my road test last Saturday, and Matt comes home either Friday or Monday. Or Tuesday. I'm really not even sure. He comes home within two weeks. There. XD

And I'm almost 21! 20 more days!

Aidan.

2009-05-27T03:58:05Z

And, even after I wrote that last entry, my cat, Aidan, walked over to me from the other room, and refused to leave the room until I did. I sat down, and he stood there, just staring at me. I was still upset then. I looked at him, and he looked at me, so I said, "Well, come cuddle me then."

He climbed into my lap and proceeded to purr and warm up my leg until I felt better. He just now got up and laid down at the end of my feet.

I love my cat.

Whenever I'm in the same house with him, he knows when I need help. It's so strange. And every single time I talk to him, he responds back and seems to know what I'm saying. :]
I love that. I couldn't ask for a better cat. I wish I could bring him with me. :[ But I can't. He belongs here. But. At least I know he'll be there whenever I come back and visit him. I'm still mildly upset, but...I feel a bit better now.

Trapped, by me.

2009-05-27T03:47:14Z

So you know when something from your past comes back to haunt you? Or, when something that shouldn't bother you anymore, still does?

Yeah.

I've been having problems with that. And it's not like I can't trust these people. Usually, I can. And even more so, I know that I can. But, sometimes, I feel like it's all a big lie to cover up some truth. Or that it's all too good to be true. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm being lied to over and over again, and it could even be the truth being told to me several times.

Is it weird to want to hear thoughts for myself? Is it so odd that I have such a hard time believing anyone, and am so afraid to be hurt, that I wish I could hear thoughts for myself?

Very unintentionally, I get hurt more now than I did then. It's my own fault. I'm actually sensitive by nature, and harsh, negative comments cut me deep. I always took it personal.

I used to have a wall up. And I never got hurt. And sarcasm was my best friend. I didn't really take anything personal. And suited me just fine. No pain. And then I bring that wall down, and there's pain, and sadness, and so much to worry about everything that I can barely deal with myself right now. I'm not in this alone, but, right now, here, by myself, I'm all I have. I have friends, family, a husband, but they can't exactly reach me right now...and even if they tried, I'd just be yelled at for being me. They're too annoyed with me worrying about things.

I need to do this particular thing, and I'm not so good at it. And if I can't do it, I'm mostly screwed. The pressure's on, and it's my own fault. And no one can help me, but me.
I shouldn't have waited. I shouldn't procrastinated. I have so many regrets, and they're taking over my thoughts. I'm trapped, by me. Sheer irony.

It was only a matter of time before I knew I would guilt myself, like normal, so.
I'm just mostly surprised that I even shared it at all.